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Learning doesn't always have to happen inside the walls of a school. Part of effective parenting involves bringing education full circle and helping kids to expand during their time outside of the classroom.

There are guidelines for almost anything in life. There are rules related to school, work, driving, and playing games. However, many of us find that when we're having an argument, it is the one time in life that rules go out the window. Usually, this doesn't end well. It makes sense, then, that rules do have a place, even when we're angry. Arguments aren't functional as free-for-all screaming matches in which "all is fair." 

Try setting up some personal and family rules about confrontation. Share these with your children, partner, and family. Try to follow them as a rule for yourself. 

#1 When things begin to get heated or serious, decide on a time limit. This is usually between 15 and 30 minutes. Do not go longer than 30 minutes. At this point, rationale gets exhausted and arguments become repetitive. You'll likely get distracted, so set a timer. If you do not finish in the time limit, set a time to try talking again the next day.
#2 Discuss what "zaps" are. Zaps are hurtful remarks, insults, threats,  or sarcastic digs during the course of a discussion. 
#3 Whether or not a "zap" has occurred is decided by the person who feels they have been zapped. 
#4 Decide how many "zaps" will be allowed during the argument. Once you hit that number, walk out of the room.
#5 Stick to one issue per session. If you have multiple issues, set multiple times to talk.
#6 Stay in the present. Do not bring up old issues. If they are relevant, discuss them at a later time. 
#7 Stick to the point. If another issue that comes up that seems important, write it down for later.
#8 Own your feelings. Do not blame your partner for your feelings.
#9 Listen. In order to resolve an argument, both people need to be heard. 

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Over the last few weeks in class, we've discussed how important it is to raise kind and compassionate children. This is a skill that, as parents, we have the power to teach our children. Below are some great tips for how to see this happen in your own family. 


#1 Show Empathy and Kindness to Other People
Kids learn from you and whether you realize it, they are always watching. Be aware of the way that you treat the people around you, especially those in a service environment. Did a waitress bring you the wrong meal? Instead of becoming angry or snapping (even behind her back), be respectful. Try saying to your child, "She must be really busy. I wonder how she felt about bringing the wrong meal." Not only does this show your child to treat others with kindness, it helps them to practice considering the feelings of others.


#2 Thank You Notes
Set an example by discussing thank you notes with your younger children. As you write (no fill-in the blank cards for you!) open up a discussion by asking, "How do you think Aunt Jenny will feel when she gets this note in the mail?" With older children, help them to write notes themselves. Teens, especially, should be sending thank-you notes. 


#3 Be Consistent
If you tell your children to treat others with kindness, you should be doing the same. However, it is also important to point out mistakes to your children. If you snap at your partner in front of them, you can say, "That wasn't very nice of me to talk to your mom like that. I was feeling grumpy, but I shouldn't have taken it out on her. When she comes home, I'm going to say I'm sorry."


#4 Talk about Feelings
Help young children understand emotion by bringing into daily learning. When reading a picture book, ask something like, "How do you think the little girl felt after she lost her kitten?" You can also make flash cards by drawing different faces on cards and writing happy/sad/angry/tired to correspond with the face you've drawn. This will help children to notice their own feelings based on body language, as well as the feelings of others. 


#5 Make praise a part of the routine
Teaching children to use genuine compliments is a fantastic way to teach the use of kind words. At dinnertime, you can have everyone at the table go around and say one nice thing about each person at the table. It can be simple (like "I love you") or a thank you, ("Thanks for making dinner, mom"), but it will help children get comfortable with saying nice things to others. 


#6 Point out kind acts 
If you see your son sharing his crayons with another child, point it out. You can say something like, "Chris, that was really nice of you to share your crayons with Tom. How do you think that made him feel?" 


#7 Honor your child's feelings
You don't have to agree with the way your child is feeling, but it is important to point feelings out and show that you respect them. If your pre schooler throws a tantrum in the store, it's okay to say, "You seem really sad. Sometimes when I'm hungry or tired, I get cranky, too. When we're done here, we'll go home and get you a snack and we can lie down together." 


#8 Volunteer
Get your children involved in giving back to the community. This helps raise their awareness of the hardships of others and helps them see their place as members of community. 


#9 Appreciate differences
Help your children engage with those who are different from them. Expose them to movies, foods, and people who are culturally different from them. This helps them to become prepared for their time in the real world, so they won't be shocked when they realize there are other people who look, think, or act different than they do.

As hard as it is to believe, the holiday season begins next week! It's a busy time of year, but don't forget that this can be a prime opportunity to spend quality time with your children. 


Above all, remember to pay attention. It's easy to get swept up in the bustle of this season, especially when we're trying to balance work, family, and socialization. Take the time to greet loved ones, especially children, when they come in the front door. Put whatever you're doing down for five minutes (it can wait, we promise) and greet your kids with a kiss and hug. 


Remember that while kids love presents and parties, the small stuff matters. While it may seem like to burden to prepare for all these events, you can turn this things into bonding experiences. Have a gift wrapping party with your children or involve them in decorating the house. If you're cooking, allow young children to stir batter. 


Above all, it is important to remember that the holidays are a time to make memories. Make your own traditions...your kids will remember them for years to come. To this day, my family eats cinnamon buns on Christmas morning. Even as an adult, that tradition makes me feel close to my family. For one day a year, we have our own special club. 

Last night, in our parenting class, we spent a fantastic two hours discussing the benefits of consequences in discipline, both good and bad. Sometimes, coming up with easy and appropriate rewards can be difficult. Below, see some great suggestions (both big and small) to get you thinking! 


Rewards for Pre-Schoolers
- going to the park
- getting to "camp" in the living room for a night
- being lifted into the air 
- going out for pizza
- spending time alone with mom or dad (go to a movie, lunch, or just on a walk)
- going on a picnic
- going to the zoo or museum
- getting a piggy-back ride
- renting a movie
- choosing a seat at the dinner table
- a new book


Rewards for Elementary-Aged Children
- Eating out at a chosen restaurant 
- Choosing a TV program to watch
- camping in the backyard
- going to the mall 
- staying up late
- choosing the menu for a meal
- putting up schoolwork on the fridge or cabinet
- making a special craft with mom or dad
- having a special treat in their school lunch
- playing a board game with mom or dad
- a funny "thank you" card


Rewards for Teenage Children
- Having friends over
- dating privileges
- taking lessons in music, dancing, etc.
- getting to decorate their bedroom
- extended curfew
- borrowing the car
- bringing a friend on family outings
- a new CD
- gift-cards to go to the movies or dinner with friends
- computer time
- having a phone in their room/their own cell phone
- alone time with mom or dad